why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
