I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Randomize
