you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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