I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize