I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
