this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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