woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize