I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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