You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Randomize
