There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
