I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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