i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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