I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
