I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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