Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
