Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
