I wish my penis had an off switch
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
