I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
