I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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