So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
