i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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