If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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