I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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