I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
jump out the window naked night went bad
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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