Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
