Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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