Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
