i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I am naked and annoyed.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
