my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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