every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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