pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
40s are totally the cure
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize