Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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