She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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