Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I am naked and annoyed.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
