Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
