I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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