I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
