I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
