A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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