i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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