Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
