Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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