I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
