so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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