seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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