Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
