I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
