rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I looked at my own cervix.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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