I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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