splinters make it hard to masturbate
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
