My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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