Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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