stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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