Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
