I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
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